Postcall Thoughts

No matter how tired I am, I'll keep doing my best in helping the babies. Seeing them helpless - fighting for their new life outside the womb, made me feel hurt. 

They are cyring. Crying for help. They can't talk like we do. But they feel the same as we are. If its painful, then it truly is. It's us to understand what they need. And I could not just stand there doing nothing, whilst God have given me the abilities to do what I can with my limited knowledge.

This field is not just for the sake of work. I'm not 'working' as a doctor.

But I'm serving to return to Him what He has given to me. My destination is not here. This is just a journey. Everything that I did here - whether its bad or wrong, will somehow returns to me in a way that is appropriate to what I deserve. This field opened my eyes about life and death. Also, the ultimate purpose of living in this world.

Just a short entry to share my thoughts in the middle of the night. My experience teaches me something new every single day. I'm blessed.

This picture reminds me of my dream to become a doctor. Allah granted my wish.

Be Strong

It's hard.

It's painful.

Yes, i know dear.

But you have passion.

And your passion involves dedicated practice.

Don't give up so easily.

All of the greatest doctors encountered obstacles in their days.

You never know, that your failure today are able to reveal the greatest discoveries.

It will somehow present in any career you choose.

Inshaallah, Allah will open doors for you.

Hang in there! :)

A reminder to me as well.

1st call last night.

1st call last night.

The more i say "Please, enough for today. I can't go on anymore. Allah, help me."

The more referrals i got. After one another.

 

Baby born flat, 2 babies. Running from nicu to labor room in a heavy rain at night. And all with SAH, expanding.

Received another referral. Okay, this baby may not withstand CPAP, intubate then.

Inserting uac/uvc in the middle of 3am in the morning. 

By 4am, baby not stable, poor perfusion, MAP low. Bolus stat. Not good. Increase inotropes support. Good enough.

By almost 5am, another referral for bradycardia from district hospital. It turns out sleeping baseline heart rate eventually. Thankful not for cpr event.

Good nap for one hour. Then fajr prayer.

6.30am continue with morning bloods.

8am passover. 

9am, postcall, but beginning as a 3rdcall on the same day. Rounds in HDU, Conva, ward 16.

1.30pm punched out.

Lunch after last meal at 2pm yesterday.

Zuhr prayer.

This is not a story about comparing doctor's life and other profession's life. How can i compare, whilst others may have far way heavier responsibilities than I am? 

But this is a story of war. A war within yourself. Either you surrender, or go on till death.

By this time you read my posting here, I may well in deep sleep on bed right now. Hoping no call saying, "Dr Syamim, ada child need to transport to PICU Ipoh today."

Zzzz..

p/s: It's a miracle how He help me with the drive to continue.

Without Words

Assalammualaikum. It's been long since i wrote it here. How have you been doing? I wish you are always at ease in all your undertakings. :)

Have you been in a situation in which you dont know what it is that's bothering you? As if there is some unfinished issue. But then again, you have no clue what it is about.

You feel stagnant. Not really at ease, but also not to say that you are drowned in sadness anyway.

How do you cope with your mind when this thinking strikes you?

Often, I would find a space to reflect my deeds. I need to search a 'me' time. And that is when I will build my thoughts about my life. What are my weakness that I need to restrengthen it with a new perspective of paradigm? What are my strength that I need to keep it still and firm, so that it will not be shaken?

Every single day of our life is a test from Allah. He creates us but to test of whom are among us is obedient, and whom are not towards Him. 

At times, our desires misguide us from what is permissible by Him. When you realize this, do not give up. Get back to Allah. Speak in your duaa. Whatever disappointments, sadness, anxiety or confusions that you are in, tell Him. Then, have faith with all your heart, that Allah indeed Hears you and Knows more than you do. Allah Loves you, because He knows you are delicate and fragile. And we need Him. In everything.

Sometimes there is this feeling in our heart, that we've been longing to say it to another person. So that the person hears it. But at certain situation, you just keep it to yourself. And everyday, you mention it in your duaa. As a replacement that maybe, or somehow, Allah will grant your prayers in a way that He Knows best. Because you know it is still important to you, with or without conversation. 

Till again, truly.

Doa Seorang Doktor

Sambil aku meneliti laporan kesihatan arwah, terbayang-bayang lagi saat hari pertama dia dilahirkan. 

Siapa sangka, kini dia yang mendahului ibu bapanya, kembali di sisi Tuhan yang menciptakan.

Aku kagum dengan ketabahan dan keredhaan kedua ibu bapamu. Selama 4 tahun mereka bersabar menanti kehadiranmu. Engkaulah cahaya mata pertama bagi mereka, Allah pinjamkan hanya sekejap cuma di dunia ini. Namun hakikatnya, engkaulah hadiah terbesar buat umi dan abi mu di akhirat kelak.

                     *                                       *                                     *                         

       

Setiap apa yang kita lalui, ada sesuatu yang Allah ingin ajarkan pada kita. Baik yang senang, mahupun yang payah. 

Kesenangan mengajar erti bersyukur. Kepayahan mengajar seorang hamba untuk bergantung harap pada Penciptanya.

Ya Allah, berikanlah aku keupayaan untuk melaksanakan tugasku dengan sempurna, ya Allah. 

Kerana sesungguhnya aku sama sekali tidak memiliki apa-apa keupayaan melainkan segalanya dengan KebesaranMu.

Aku memohon perlindunganMu, daripada menyakiti mana-mana pesakitku atas disebabkan kelemahanku, kelalaianku dan ketidaktahuanku, ya Allah. 

Jadikanlah anggota tubuh badanku ini,  yang Engkau berikan pada ku, cekap Dan cerdas untuk merawat sesiapa sahaja yang memerlukan pertolongan dariMu.

Akan aku sedaya upaya, dengan selemah-lemah daya yang ada, menghulurkan tenaga dan pengetahuanku untuk keringanan sakit mereka. Kerana sesungguhnya, Engkaulah yang memberi kesembuhan apa sahaja penyakit yang Engkau uji pada mereka.

Bukakanlah jalan untuk ku, agar aku kekal dalam perjuangan ini.
Perkenankanlah, wahai Tuhan yang Maha Mendengar segala isi hati.

The Time When Your Intentions Are Put On A Test

Its amazing when the Pringles that we bought is actually a rizq that Allah keep for these beautiful creatures that we visited. :)

I was spending the precious time with my family yesterday when suddenly a text notification beep on my cellphone.

"Baby of Madam X passed away..."

That news hit me. I was surprised that the time eventually comes. For we had glimpse of hope that she will recover, just that it may take a long journey before she can be as healthy as other kids of her age.

The wonder of treating newborn and paediatric patients is that they teach you determination to live even if you feel like giving up sometimes. They may not have the understanding of this worldly life as adult are, but their emotions and spirits may lift up your inner heart when it is caged deep down inside.

Imagine if a toddler comes in front of you, smiling cutely. Will you not smile back naturally?
The same occasion when you are drained out of motivation after long hours of working, all that burden and tiredness flew away the moment you see your child at home calling you, "Papa! Mama!"

I may not have kids of my own yet, as for now, maybe. But as a doctor I am, I was given the opportunity to at least taking care of the ill child.

I felt that my start of journey in paediatrics department is really tiring and stressful. Every other day on-calls made me deprived of essential sleep. Also, the disappointments of not knowing how to manage certain conditions. Then, waking up the next morning trying to be positive but your physical says, "Hey give me time to recover all the overworked cells, please!"
At the end i say, "Wait up, just a little bit more."

And so the weekend came. At last, a time for refreshment. Then I realized, I am not in a good state of mind earlier when the tiredness strikes. I need to loosen up a bit. Pondering over the initial strength and passion that I have built all this while. And I'm truly glad with the support system around me - my family, colleagues and mentor.

I pray that every sweat and bitterness that we encounter will be replace with good moments along the way from our Creator.
At the time of weakness, nothing can lift us up except by His Mercy. He Knows. More than we do. Our capabilities are guided by Him. Allah chosen us with specialty that He knows best for us. Accept it with open arms and heart.

In the midst of busy ward works in NICU, I hope that I can find the contentment to say,  'What is there that I can help you, sayang?'
Inshaallah.

Long hours of working is part of the training for doctors. 

"Do not let your difficulties fill you with anxiety; after all, it is only in the darkest night that the star shines more brilliantly."
-Imam Ali bin Abi Talib-

Difficult Beginning Promises Something Big

Have you ever realized that the matter you desire the most has the hardest path to achieve it?

The transition between what you initially aim, and the time you start to work for it, is always difficult.

It's like when you are initiating to blow a balloon, you need to put a lot of effort to make it expand. But once you achieved a certain amount of air inside the balloon, you will now feel it is easier to continue blowing it.

So, believe that this hardship is just temporary. You will gain what you aim for in the end, Inshaallah. May Allah ease our journey with His guidance. :)

A Wondrous Gift

 

As I was reading this book full of inspirational insight, I asked myself. 

"Ya Allah, what did I do that you sent me this kind of person in order for me to read this? Do I deserve this?"

Then I realized, its not because of what I did. But it's because of Allah's Mercy on his servant. He gives because He wants me to learn. To gain benefit from it. And not for only that, it came with amanah. For me to practice from it. And to spread the knowledge that He has given to me. Allahuakbar.

Reading this has also given me goosebumps. I'm always imagining what if I am given the fate of going out there? Or perhaps if I were in their shoes, will I be able to be strong and brave enough to deal with it?

As I go through the words from Dr David Nott, visual imaginary played in my mind - the props, the war field, the characters, the impending bombs and missiles exploding. As if I can see and feel the situation. Mind blowing. Never had I encounter this kind of reading materials before. In fact, strangely and somehow, I became interested in it.

It might seem nothing much, but truly it gives a whole lot of impact on me. 

A wondrous gift, it is.

Thank you. 

The Art of Letting God by Mizi Wahid - Book Review

Assalamualaykum dear readers,

First of all, I pray that may Allah showers us with His Mercy And Forgiveness, always.

Inshaallah, I would like to share with you an inspirational book that I accidentally found out a few weeks ago from scrolling on my Instagram feed. Frankly speaking, at the first glance I was captivated with the cover of this book. It's white color, hard cover, designed with a gold writings made me whisper to myself, "Cantiknya buku ni!" Well come on, everyone must have judge a book by its cover first, am I right? Hehe.

So, yeah Iman Publication has successfully grabbed my attention to this book.

Let me first introduce to you briefly about the author. His name is Mizi Wahid, founder of Safinah Institute based in Singapore. Probably some of you has already followed him through social medias like Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. He is a spiritual coach, an entrepreneur, and a public speaker.

You can also join his online programmes, through Soul Academy, which have reached audiences all over the world.

Okay, now just a short review from me. This book is about his sharing based on his personal experiences. The way he delivered the message was beautifully written in a way that make us ponder each and every point that related to our daily life. I can say that the theme is about how we usually deal our affairs - the meaning of surrendering to Allah (tawakkul), to forgive and moving forward, relationships and love, careers and workplace.

The lessons that he shared touched my heart in a sense that it reminds me of things that I forgot about taking care of our faith in surrendering to Allah. His writing triggered me to question myself - if I could take it positively, why then do I suffocate myself about the negative thinking that will eventually make the situation worsen?

I would personally suggest you to read this book if you are in the verge of giving up resolving your problems. I'm not saying that you would find the answers to your situation here, but rather it act as a mean for you to realize that above all the calamities that you are experiencing, there is always God who Hears you, Near you, and Most Merciful to mend your broken pieces. We just need to learn The Art of Letting God. Is Allah not enough for His Servant?

Graduated Housemanship Years

Alhamdulillah, my housemanship years has ended just a few days ago. Happy? To be honest, its a mixed feeling. While some had a smooth sailing journey, I can say mine is not. Nevertheless, I believe what Allah has put me through, has trained me of what I've become today. But I never dare to say that the training years is enough. There's just so much more to learn. And hopefully this drives me to be completely passionate in learning deeper in the field that I'm seeking forward to further later on.

Of the people I met, every single of them taught me a lesson. And I'm definitely thankful for that. Especially to the one who left me a meaningful experience that I will never forget. :) On the other hand,  they brought out the inner side of me dealing with different kinds of personality that I acquainted.

Most of the postings I've been through as a Houseman - I enjoyed it. Although, there were circumstances that made me cry,  feeling demotivated, anger and frustrated. But hey, if not because of those difficult moments, I will never taste the sweetness of progressing into a Medical Officer, don't you think so?

Of course, I'm aware that being a Medical officer is much more challenging. Now it's the time for you to make a decision on your patients with your clinical judgements. The responsibility is real now. No more backups like HO days. Be firm with your stands and be brave to face it.

Well, I don't know what more to share specifically about my Housemanship years. Maybe if you would like to shoot me up with questions, I can try to give a response in my next entry, Inshaallah.

That's all for now. I gotta go to bed.
Uhh ho, its already almost 2 am. To my juniors starting their housemanship soon,  good luck ye!

"Just keep the passion up. Always remember that its not all about your survival but it also about patient's life and hope is upon you.  Tiredness and stress will always on the road. But care, kindness, passion and at the end the smile of your patient is always the best gift that you can have." -Will always remember these words. 

  

It's been long since I spent my time reading out of medical field materials. Something about spiritual content that has somehow been left for a while.