1st call last night.

1st call last night.

The more i say "Please, enough for today. I can't go on anymore. Allah, help me."

The more referrals i got. After one another.

 

Baby born flat, 2 babies. Running from nicu to labor room in a heavy rain at night. And all with SAH, expanding.

Received another referral. Okay, this baby may not withstand CPAP, intubate then.

Inserting uac/uvc in the middle of 3am in the morning. 

By 4am, baby not stable, poor perfusion, MAP low. Bolus stat. Not good. Increase inotropes support. Good enough.

By almost 5am, another referral for bradycardia from district hospital. It turns out sleeping baseline heart rate eventually. Thankful not for cpr event.

Good nap for one hour. Then fajr prayer.

6.30am continue with morning bloods.

8am passover. 

9am, postcall, but beginning as a 3rdcall on the same day. Rounds in HDU, Conva, ward 16.

1.30pm punched out.

Lunch after last meal at 2pm yesterday.

Zuhr prayer.

This is not a story about comparing doctor's life and other profession's life. How can i compare, whilst others may have far way heavier responsibilities than I am? 

But this is a story of war. A war within yourself. Either you surrender, or go on till death.

By this time you read my posting here, I may well in deep sleep on bed right now. Hoping no call saying, "Dr Syamim, ada child need to transport to PICU Ipoh today."

Zzzz..

p/s: It's a miracle how He help me with the drive to continue.

Without Words

Assalammualaikum. It's been long since i wrote it here. How have you been doing? I wish you are always at ease in all your undertakings. :)

Have you been in a situation in which you dont know what it is that's bothering you? As if there is some unfinished issue. But then again, you have no clue what it is about.

You feel stagnant. Not really at ease, but also not to say that you are drowned in sadness anyway.

How do you cope with your mind when this thinking strikes you?

Often, I would find a space to reflect my deeds. I need to search a 'me' time. And that is when I will build my thoughts about my life. What are my weakness that I need to restrengthen it with a new perspective of paradigm? What are my strength that I need to keep it still and firm, so that it will not be shaken?

Every single day of our life is a test from Allah. He creates us but to test of whom are among us is obedient, and whom are not towards Him. 

At times, our desires misguide us from what is permissible by Him. When you realize this, do not give up. Get back to Allah. Speak in your duaa. Whatever disappointments, sadness, anxiety or confusions that you are in, tell Him. Then, have faith with all your heart, that Allah indeed Hears you and Knows more than you do. Allah Loves you, because He knows you are delicate and fragile. And we need Him. In everything.

Sometimes there is this feeling in our heart, that we've been longing to say it to another person. So that the person hears it. But at certain situation, you just keep it to yourself. And everyday, you mention it in your duaa. As a replacement that maybe, or somehow, Allah will grant your prayers in a way that He Knows best. Because you know it is still important to you, with or without conversation. 

Till again, truly.